Friday, July 4, 2014
person: hey how are you
me: i am doing great i am constantly doing great i am always in the state of feeling fine i love to feel good all the time yes i am feeling good great nice good great awesome
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
will be homeless soon
i can’t do this shit anymore. too hard to just cover basics
Monday, February 3, 2014
Positive thoughts don’t exist in this black-hole of a mind of mine. I’ll just explode one day and become a monster.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Alex: See I told you today would be a better day than yesterday….you stupid bitch.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
I no longer want to allow myself to say I have friends when I don’t.
My phone confirms it. My email confirms it. My skype confirms it, etc etc
So many social networks built for the very purpose of communicating with others and just no sign of actual meaningful conversations or connections made anywhere whatsoever.
Just a scroll of pretty pictures, empty inspirational quotes that you can never understand (until you actually understand them apparently. oh what help that gives me…), and wildly inaccurate information spread vicariously all in the name of memedom.
I am not in high school anymore. Things others have created used to express my personality organized in a cool innovative way is not my interest anymore. I want to talk to someone. really talk and connect.
of course there is that little tidbit that the whole idea of a free website racking in money off the content its users who receive no compensation but are instead awarded with endless advertisements, limited outreach, and just well, nothing at all bugs the hell out of me.
Hello tumblr. :-P
You are not quite as bad as facebook. Yet.
But I digress.
I literally have not made any successful plans to hang with anyone in the last TWO years. maybe three. or longer than that. I do like to forget that after high school, unless I was on GSU campus, no one made the effort to see me. I had to be in a convenient location.
Never just ‘oh hey, I like being around you and miss you and am going to take two hours of my day to have coffee or tea with you cause it’s that fucking important’ or ‘hey I haven’t talked to you in awhile and finally have but have to go in a few minutes but WILL ACTUALLY CALL YOU BACK when I say I will cause it’s important to me.’
Of course, I’m not exempted from any guilt of allowing friendships to run their course and fade. Many times my anxiety was my main focus. Many times I didn’t feel like picking up the phone and dialing someone to complain about my day. Many times I even questioned if it was worth the time. WORTH THE TIME. If this ever pops into my head, it must mean it’s not important enough for me either. worth the fucking time. can you believe it?
Maybe I’m just at that point where words on a screen are not enough. Good intentions are not enough. Plans that hang in the air are not enough. I need something concrete.
That’s all I can force out of me for now.